I’ve taken up tarot again.

Some of you who’ve known me since high school, probably recall I read tarot back then, too.  As a child, I was given a deck by a reader when I was in NYC to see my dad on a taping of “To Tell the Truth”. The other contestant was a tarot card reader, and he gave me a deck because he said I would someday be able to read them.

I have written the website in hopes they can tell me the date, or maybe even provide a link.

Aside #1: “To Tell the Truth” was a game show with a celebrity panel, where 3 people stood on stage and said, “My name is _______”, all giving the same name.  The panel had to guess which one was telling the truth.  So I got to watch in the studio audience as my dad said, “My name is Wesley Pomeroy”, and so did 2 other guys.  No one guessed he was the one telling the truth, and at the end Kitty Carlisle said it was because she didn’t think his moustache was real – so he pulled on it, and everyone laughed.  What a fond memory that was, I was so proud of my father.

So, anyway, I have been studying tarot pretty much ever since then, with a brief hiatus when I lost my faith in pretty much everything (the domestic violence situation).

I found a couple of decks as I was going through my things, as I am still doing in an attempt to rid myself of anything I don’t absolutely need.   Some things will be packed away for others to have.

At any rate, I picked up a tarot deck, laid out a spread and looked, trying to see where I need to go from here.

Lots of pentacles (that’s good, usually means money and/or knowledge), the Heirophant (High Priest, some say), and an admonition that I am “stuck” but not to move just for moving’s sake.

I didn’t think it was specific enough, so I picked up another deck and laid those out.

I got the same cards.  The exact same cards.

I have never had that happen before so all I can think of is that I need to really look at, and ponder upon, what messages are in that spread. Because I would think that, if you get the exact same reading from two different decks, there is definitely an important message being sent.

I was pondering all this when I was surfing the net, and looking at various other tarot decks (there are zillions of them, and I do like collecting them), when I ran across a site that said:

“Free tarot readings!”

Naturally, I looked.  It is a site that will have a “student of tarot” read for you, and then you give them feedback on the reading as sort of a way to help them become better readers.  Well, ok, I’ll give that a shot.

I’ve never found one person who could read my tarot accurately.  No one.  Ever.

A week later, I got an email with my reading.  It was a “story” about an animal in the woods, and the interpretation was that I was already on my chosen path, and I should take classes in tarot from this place (“financing available!”).

My question had been, “What direction do I take and how will I find the finances for it?”

Needless to say, I thanked the person for the reading but pointed out that it meant nothing to me, that it was just a sales pitch for classes there.  And, at my age and experience with the tarot, and my economic situation being what it is, that it was inappropriate to suggest that to me.

I also told him that nothing I ever include when I read for others was present in his reading for me – suggested path, possible obstacles, people who may cross my path, and so on.

Heck, the Heirophant didn’t even show up.  Or the equivalent of that card in the deck the reader used (Wildwood Forest deck).  (The link here is for the deck, and it is not at all connected to this reader I had or the “free tarot” site)

Sigh.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to find someone – anyone – who can read tarot for me.

Aside #2: The quick answer would be, “Because no one can read tarot.”  Except…I can read tarot.  I have been doing it for years.  But I am not the only person in the world who can read tarot cards.

You may wonder why I would want that, if I can read for myself.  Well, it’s because I might not interpret what I see correctly.  Or I might not want to believe what I see (that’s happened more times than I care to admit).  In this particular case, I’m just not sure what it means.

On the face of it, it seems to be telling me I am going to school again, or I need to go back to school again, which is all well and good…but I sort of was leaning that way already.  Go back to school to study…what, exactly?  For a career in…what?

I have just as many, or more, questions now than before I read my cards.

No way am I taking out student loans.  So that somewhat limits how I go to grad school.  I would have to work for a professor to pay for my education, which is fine with me.  I did that already, to get my master’s degree.

But clinical programs don’t usually have that kind of gig.  So that rules out “PhD in clinical psychology.”

Which then, in turn, rules out “get licensed and go into private practice.”

I would be lying if I said that didn’t interest me, if for no other reasons than I would be my own boss, and also that it’s usually pretty lucrative – I am really tired of being poor and, at my age, I need to get my financial shit together.  I feel it’s nearly too late already.

But even more basic questions swirl around my mind…

What am I good at?  What career would allow me to make a decent amount of money so my future won’t be so bleak and uncertain?

Because, at the moment, the future is looking pretty dismal and hopeless to me.

Something I routinely used to do for clients (therapy clients, not tarot clients) – suggest what they might be good at, based on how well I know them, and point them in the direction of the path they need to take to get there – is something I cannot seem to do for myself.

I don’t think I am at all unique.  So where do I find someone like me, to advise me?

Even Boy Wonder seems to be at a bit of a loss, as per our last conversation where he pointed out the difficulties of returning to work as a mental health therapist.  But offered no alternatives.  And he’s been seeing me for more than a year.

It’s hard to not feel blue and discouraged.  And so I am feeling…extremely blue, very discouraged, and cannot see the sun for all the clouds in my sky.

I don’t have any weirdness to post, but I do have a kitten video:

Because…cuteness!

Recommendations?  Well, this is also kitten-related:

Exploding Kittens Card Game – the website states it’s for people “who are into kittens and explosions and laser beams and sometimes goats.”  It’s not a gross game, and it looks like fun. It just went on sale yesterday, on Amazon.

Be good.  Be kind.  Hug a kitten, or a puppy, or some other cuddly being (um like your significant other, if you’re so lucky as to have one).