Author Archives: Victoria

Hijacking the Conversation: Please Be Quiet

I was going to discuss the “Men’s Rights Movement” today, dispel a couple of myths, and explain why women do not see men as “the enemy”, but I got sidetracked by something else.

It is a small firestorm of reaction to something one actress “tweeted” about another actress, and it has caused anger and disappointment amongst some segments of fans, and dismissiveness amongst others.

The Emmys were on TV the other night, and one of the people who won was an African-American actress by the name of Viola Davis, for her performance as lead actress in a show called “How to Get Away with Murder”.

She gave a moving acceptance speech, in which she quoted Harriet Tubman, saying

“ ‘In my mind, I see a line. And over that line I see green fields and lovely flowers and beautiful white women with their arms stretched out to me over that line, but I can’t seem to get there no-how. I can’t seem to get over that line.’ Let me tell you something: the only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there.” – “Emmys 2015: Viola Davis Makes History as First Black Woman to Win Best Actress in a Drama Series”, Megan Daley, Entertainment Weekly, 9/20/215.

Aside #1: Harriet Tubman was a leader in the American abolitionist movement – she led slaves to freedom, helped house escaped slaves, was a scout/spy/nurse for the Union during the Civil War, wrote books and gave speeches, and established a home for the aged (if I missed any other achievements, please let me know).  

This is the first time in 67 years that an African-American woman has won an Emmy for Best Actress in a Drama Series.  That is a really big deal, and I know I do not need to explain to my readers why it is.

Aside #2: It’s not the first time an African-American woman has won an Emmy, ever – that honor went to Gail Fisher in 1970, who won for her portrayal as Peggy Fair in the TV show “Mannix”.  She won Outstanding Performance by a Supporting Actress in Drama.  She was also the first African-American woman to win a Golden Globe (in 1971 for Actress in a Supporting Role, and in 1973, for Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – those were for “Mannix” also).

At any rate, she gave a terrific speech, and that should have been it, along with congratulatory “tweets” from others and so on.

But it wasn’t.

Along came a daytime actress (read that as “actress in a soap opera”) named Nancy Lee Grahn, who plays a lawyer/mobster’s girlfriend in the soap opera “General Hospital”.   She tweeted this:

“I’m a f—-ing actress for 40 yrs. None of us get respect or opportunity we deserve.  Emmys not venue 4 racial opportunity. ALL women belittled.” – “General Hospital Star Slams Viola Davis’ Emmy Speech”, Jacob Bryant, Variety Online, 9/21/2105.

And, if that isn’t bad enough, she continued with this:

“I heard harriet tubman and I thought Its a fucking emmy for gods sake. She wasnt digging thru a tunnel.” – “General Hospital Star Rips Viola Davis’ Emmy Speech: ‘She Has Never Been Discriminated Against’ “, EURPublisher01, EurWeb, 9/22/15.

So, not only did she inject herself into someone else’s happy moment, she also tried to hijack the conversation and make it about all women.  Which, I’m sure you’ll agree, is pretty dismissive and ego-centric of her.

She then goes on to reduce the achievements of Harriet Tubman (whose name she doesn’t even capitalize – and, no, I don’t think that’s a small error, as she manages to capitalize “I”, and the first word of a sentence) to a “tunnel digger”.  A tunnel digger!!  Grrrrr.

What on earth is the matter with this woman??

This is what this actress tried to do – hijack the conversation and make it about women.  In fact, she praised Patricia Arquette that same night for addressing women’s issues in her Emmy speech.

And it didn’t stop there.  She also “tweeted”

“I think she’s the bees knees but she’s elite of TV performers. Brilliant as she is.  She’s never been discriminated against.” – “General Hospital Star Slams Viola Davis’ Emmy Speech”, Jacob Bryant, Variety Online, 9/21/2105.

So, Nancy Lee Grahn knows Viola Davis’ life history??  Of course not, she doesn’t even know the woman.  Yet she thinks she can declare that someone has never been discriminated against. How does she know this?  She doesn’t.  A clue can be found in her characterization of Ms. Davis as “elite of TV performers”.

She’s jealous, pure and simple.  Not only that, she’s an example of one of those idiot white people who says things like “we live in a post-racial America”, or who cites the fact that we have an African-American president to “prove” that racism doesn’t exist anymore.

Now she has just proven, very publicly, that racism is alive and well.  As if anyone needed reminding.

Well, apparently some do need reminding, actually.   Because I see this all the time.  And it infuriates me.

I won’t go into all Ms. Grahn’s subsequent attempts to apologize and backpedal.  Suffice to say it was pathetic, and indicative of her ignorance.  She wasn’t apologizing because she knew what she said was racist, she was apologizing because she wanted to squirm out of her remarks.

You know how I know that?  Her “apologies” were basically her saying she is an advocate for all women and she rephrased things badly.

Those are not apologies.  Those are defensive statements that dismiss the reactions of all the people who understood exactly what she was saying and were outraged by it.

So she continued to try to hijack the conversation about race.  To make it about her, and what she sees are important issues, and the hell with anyone else trying to address anything she doesn’t understand or think is a big deal.

Laughter Was the Best Medicine – Now It’s an Illness.

I have written about this before – violence and peoples’ attitudes towards it.  I will continue to write about it, because it bothers me a lot and I am trying to understand and/or come up with solutions.

I have mentioned that I used to teach anger management.  I taught that in inpatient and outpatient places, mostly because the higher-ups decided that this had to be a weekly thing.  I never did get a straight answer when I asked why this was mandatory.

It’s not a bad thing to learn to identify your triggers and learn to control your behavior when angry.  In fact, it’s something that I think all adults should aspire to do, and to teach their children how to do this, too.

But there are some problems with this simple idea, the idea that one ought to control oneself and not harm others, and a major one is…

…people will not admit that they can control it.

“He/she made me…”

“I wasn’t thinking…”

“I was out of control…”

None of these things are true, actually.  People say them because they think those are good excuses to behave violently.

They’re mistaken.

And that’s the key stumbling block to teaching anger management.  If people will not admit that they are solely responsible for their violent behavior, no amount of group/individual therapy, classes, or workbooks are going to make any difference.

Why do they think like this?

Family, friends, social media, the media in general…all promote this idea of violence as a necessary part of life.

And it feels as if, sometimes when someone is angry, that they aren’t thinking.  They are, of course – you can’t blink an eye without an actual command from your brain (which I characterize as “thought”, because technically it is) – but what’s happening is they are not consciously aware of what they’re thinking.

Sometimes.

I think that, in reality, people who are violent actually DO consciously think things, they just won’t admit it.  Consider this evidence…

Someone hits another person and then runs away when he/she hears the police are coming.

Someone gets into a fight and responds to commands from bystanders (“hit him again” and so on), and later asks to see the video of it recorded on someone’s phone so he/she can post it on Facebook.

Someone hits his partner but makes sure the blows fall on places that won’t show when clothed.

Are you actually going to tell me all these people weren’t thinking at the time they were involved in violent acts?

Of course not.  When I put it that way, it’s clear that all those people engaged in violence knew perfectly well what they were doing.

Because…if you can stop or leave when the police arrive, you’re in control of yourself.

If you remember the fight being recorded by your friend, you are consciously aware of what’s going on.

If you know where to hit so the bruises won’t show, how much more in control can you be?

Still…people will just not admit that they are the ones who are responsible for their own violence.   People are loathe to do that.  And, in a way, that’s kind of a positive thing.

Think about it.  If you cannot admit you are the cause of the violence, might it be because you think what you did is wrong?   And that other people will judge you to be a “bad person”?

Well, that’s the good news.

The bad news is, there are entire segments of the population where violence is becoming more acceptable.  So that reluctance to admit you are violent may become a thing of the past.

Aside #1: It won’t become a thing of the past in psychiatric hospitals or outpatient clinics, because the counselor doesn’t want to hear anything that isn’t the “right” thing to say regarding anger.  Otherwise the patient/client could be stuck there a lot longer.

The thing is, not doing something because you might get caught/punished/condemned for it is not a very effective way to control your actions.  And it’s not a very evolved way of thinking, either, but we won’t address that (much) today.

If fear of being caught and punished was such a good deterrant, then most of our laws would be so effective that the jails would be empty.  Clearly this is not the case.

My opinion about what’s at the bottom of all this is…entitlement.

Aside #2: No, not “entitlements” as in “food stamps”.

Entitlement, according to the Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary is “the condition of having the right to have, do, or get something; the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something (such as special privileges).”

I had a psychology professor once who stated that people become violent when something or someone is blocking their goals.  I contend that he didn’t look deep enough into that.

Again, entitlement.  “I deserve to get my goals met.”

In the case of people reacting with violence to such minor behavior as a “dirty look” or a perceived insult of some kind, the thinking is, “I deserve to control how you act around me.”

So, in a weird way, it’s still about control…even as people state that they were out of control when they hit someone.

“She looked at me funny so I hit her.”  I heard that a lot when I taught anger management.

“Why would that bother you, though?” I would ask.

“I know she was thinking bad things about me, I could see it on her face, and she doesn’t have the right to do that.

So, the entitled attitude is that you have the right to control what other people think about you. Or about your mama, your partner, your kids…

So there’s that.  And then there’s an unfortunate twist on that way of thinking…

Reiki Don’t Lose That Number

Oh boy, just when I thought things could not get any stranger…

I went to the pain management clinic yesterday, with the intent of discussing tapering off meds, because frankly I am tired of having to schedule my life around my prescriptions (especially since I had to decline a trip to Memphis last Christmas, due to the clinic not understanding how to handle things).

I want to try, because I’m pretty sure my back isn’t getting better – I mean, disks don’t regenerate, unless you’re Dr. Who – and unless and until the DEA stops being so stupid and people are able once again to get meds from chain pharmacies while they are on vacation, I don’t want to be chained to my medication.

This would not be a problem if Walgreen’s, Rite Aid, CVS, and so on would just refill out-of-state prescriptions.  But instead of figuring out a way to do this, and putting practices into place that can prevent fake scripts and so on, they are just cracking down and treating everyone like drug addicts.

As I have written previously, even the DEA misinterprets their own data, which indicate that this “most heroin addicts started on pain medication” idea isn’t true (or is at least suspect, considering it is based on interviewing addicts).

What I mean by this is, when one does admissions interviews for rehab, the question is asked, “How did you become addicted?”

Most people will not state that they became addicted because their family members and friends already do heroin and they felt pressured to try it (surprisingly common in PA, to have entire families addicted).

Most people will not state that they thought heroin would be a decent escape from boredom, or something to do at a party.

No, what most people state is that they had pain, became addicted to pain medication, got cut off by the doctor, and then switched to heroin.

Because they are ashamed, or they don’t want to appear “weak”, or any number of reasons mostly related to saving face.

Yes, even in a rehab setting, there is still this fear of being stigmatized – and, as many of you know, this isn’t an irrational fear.  I have written about the contempt with which many counselors hold their clients/patients.

So, ok…that is my take on why the data are so skewed, and why everyone is freaking out over “pill mills”, opiate addiction, and pain management.

But I digress, sort of.

I went to the pain clinic yesterday, and the first thing I noticed was that there were very few cars in the parking lot.  And very few patients in the waiting room.

And new staff.

As I was signing the monthly “yes-you-can-drug-test-me” form, I noticed at the top that the physician’s assistant in charge was a name familiar to me – he ran an urgent care clinic years ago, and I was a patient of his.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like this guy.  He’s personable, he’s smart, and likeable.

But he’s a walking advertisement for the Skeptical Enquirer, under the heading of “quack cures and woo-woo science”.  He is someone I would never have thought I would see dispensing pain medication in a clinic.

This guy wears many hats – he’s a Reiki master, a hypnotherapist, and a proponent of “energy healing at a distance”.

I said to him, “Hey, I know you!  You wrote the letter to the unemployment people when I got fired, telling them that I really did have a bad back and that the methadone clinic doctor had brought me in that day.”

Aside #1: The excuse for firing me was that I hadn’t called in to say I was being treated for a disk problem that occured WHEN I WAS AT WORK.  They got me on a technicality, stating that sending the clinic doctor back to pass the word that I wasn’t coming in the next day “wasn’t proper procedure”, and that they had had NO idea where I was.)

I had a hearing with the unemployment people, and my former supervisor lied stated that she had tried to call me numerous times but I wasn’t answering.  I had phone records to disprove this but the guy in charge of the hearing wouldn’t look at them.

I asked him what he had been doing, and what he was doing working in a pain management clinic?

Aside #2: I kinda knew what he was doing, as he’s all over the internet giving lectures on podcasts and at UFO/Paranormal conferences and such, but I wanted to hear about what brought him to this clinic.

He stated he had been living in New Mexico for 3 years.

Of course, probably Taos or some other new age community.

He didn’t say what brought him back here, but he did say that if anyone had told him years ago he would end up working in a pain management clinic, he wouldn’t have believed it.

I agree.  I was rather gobsmacked myself at seeing him there.

I told him I was thinking of tapering off, due to the whole vacation thing.

His suggestion?  “Just don’t take any more.  Detox and get it over with.”

What??

I mean, the guy used to work as a consultant to the rehab company I worked for (which actually gets him a lot of points with me, as he did stick up for me at my hearing).

But he ought to know that one does not just stop taking 60 mg of morphine, cold-turkey.  Yet that was his advice to me, and he added that tapering off is a “form of torture”.

What??

Hey, I don’t even go off antidepressants without tapering.  I don’t need my blood pressure skyrocketing like that, and whether it’s “withdrawal” or “discontinuation syndrome” (withdrawal off “nice” drugs like antidepressants), it’s damn unpleasant.

But he was nice enough to let me decide how to do it, so I went with tapering.

Um…his idea of tapering is cutting the dose in half, right away, and adding a stronger shorter duration opiate like oxycodone “for break-through pain”.

That’s not my idea of tapering but I figured I would give it a shot.

Pumpkins, Incense, and M&Ms: The Sweet Life of Autumn

One year ago tomorrow I started this blog.  Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, and encouraged.

I was going to have a giveaway to celebrate, but I don’t have enough readers yet to make that seem anything other than pompous and silly.  Maybe next year.

Before I get into today’s topics, I want to offer this humorous, gentle reminder from ZDogg, MD, because September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month:

Guys, my dad had this, and they treated it until it was gone.  So, please, don’t let your ‘nads slip through your fingers (pun intended!).

In a related subject, I emailed the American Cancer Society and asked about volunteering.  I heard back from the local maven today (in a rather snooty tone, but oh well, this is Central PA after all), who sent me a PDF page explaining the office volunteer work.  Basically, filing/shredding/stuffing envelopes and so on.

That’s exactly what I was looking for.  Doing work that cannot, in any way, shape, or form, cause controversy or conflict.  Just me going into an office and doing office work.  And possibly sweeping.

I told her I wanted to do this once a week, with more hours if there was some special event/project that needed more people etc.  Hopefully, I can start soon.

I plan on riding Coco over there, since it’s just a little over half a mile.  Um maybe after they get to know me, and won’t think it’s too strange.

I am still very self-conscious about Coco and her training wheels.  I get a lot of odd looks and snickers and it gets me down.

Work for the sake of work.  It’s a good thing and helps everyone involved.

Now that autumn is approaching, I feel a sense of renewal – I could spin it as some spiritual holdover from my Druid ancestry, but actually I think it’s more due to the feeling I had as a kid when I was starting a new school year.

School – up until junior high – was a place I was safe, never got into trouble, and was “Teacher’s Pet” every year, no matter what teacher.  So, I loved it.

Getting new clothes (dresses, of course – back then we had dress codes, and no one I knew wore jeans even at home), and then going to the school one evening before the start of the school year to see what classroom I was in, and to meet the teacher.

Crisp, clear autumn nights in the Bay Area.  Skipping ahead to my designated classroom in black patent leather Mary Janes (it’s a type of shoe) and a new dress, with bobby socks with frilly lace on the tops (what are now called “anklets”).  Barrettes in my hair.  So excited!

Many, MANY years later, when I had to start over after my divorce, and I went back to college, those old feelings resurfaced.  And college never disappointed me – even as an older student, I had the time of my life.

I know it sounds corny but I just love learning.

So, every time the weather cools in September and October, I feel those old feelings of excitement and “starting over”.

This year, it will hopefully be with a small volunteer gig, a redecorated space, and a new routine.

I had let my illness drag me down, and it might do that again, but right now as I am less sick than I have been for awhile, I am taking advantage of it.  I am stuck here in Hollidaysburg, so I may as well make the best of it until I can find my proper path.

My living space has always had to accomodate other people.  Now, it doesn’t – and it’s never, EVER going to, again.  What I mean by this is, simply, NO SHARING.

I am not dating, I don’t plan on dating, and even if I do date again, no one is sharing my living space ever again.  This is MY space.  Period.

And so, since I want to use all battery-operated candles for lighting at night, and fairy lights around the top of my canopy bed, that’s what I am doing.  There will be none of this “but I can’t seeeeee” whining, no “let’s hang MY posters here”, and definitely no complaining about incense.

I have cleared out an extra room off my bedroom that was being used for storage, and will use that as a space for an as-yet-unbought altar.  Without anyone arguing with me, disguising a fear of paganism as anger, or making fun of me.

You see, I kept seeing my apartment as a layover place until I started my life again.  My younger son lived here with me for awhile, and that kept things on the generic side, in terms of decorating.  It’s not that he would have objected, it’s just that I decorate differently when other people share my living space.

When I was married, I had to consider my husband’s wishes when decorating.  Then I had one (yes, just one) brief, live-in boyfriend who completely redecorated the space in my apartment when he moved in with all his stuff.  Finally, the last place I escaped from lived in was someone else’s house, and he controlled everything and everyone in that space.

I have lived alone before, yes.  And, in general, I have to say I like it pretty well.  For one thing, when I live alone, there’s essentially no possibility that I will be attacked or hurt in any way.

Especially not in Hollidaysburg, where there are fewer than 5000 people, and where you can leave your door unlocked and not worry (though I think everyone locks theirs anyway).

And since my mind was always in the “I have to get out of PA” mode, I didn’t put a lot of thought into making my apartment a comfortable, eclectic space for me to relax in.  And, considering how much time I actually spend at home (nearly all my time), that made for a somewhat depressing living space.

I have been gathering up this and that from here and there, and using these things to decorate as I go along and toss things/pack things I don’t need.  I should have it all done by next week, and then I can see what other components I need (like a trunk for a coffee table, for example).

And……I bought a TV antenna, which is coming tomorrow!  I want a comfortable space in which to watch my 3 stations I am hoping to pick up.  Along with Netflix.

So…goals for this autumn: clean, organize, decorate, create a ritual space, volunteer, continue the exercise routine.

You’ll notice that nowhere on that list is “meet new people”.

Much as Boy Wonder wants me to make that a goal, I am still extremely wary of others, particularly male others, and I am loathe to engage with any of the small-town matrons who populate this tiny town.

Because I know they won’t like me, I won’t fit in, they’ll talk about me behind my back, and eventually someone will end up in tears (most likely me).  That’s just how it is here.

I told BW I would maybe, MAYBE join a mystery book club at the library.  We’ll see.  I won’t lie, I do get lonely.  It would be nice to have a few more friends here (not that I don’t appreciate Nancy, I do – she’s a terrific friend).

I joined a Facebook page that purports to be about a group of neo-Pagans in Altoona who get together or something, not really sure.  Last post I read was about some other group of people my age and a bit younger who live communally in rural Pennsylvania (who knew?).

The commune people are technically “a church”, own the land on which they live, and seem like they do a lot of interesting things (though I was a bit downhearted to see the picture of the “Wiccan ceremony” that appeared to be led by a male person).

It would be nice to be around other neo-Pagans, for sure.  But I won’t hold my breath.  They can be just as “clique-y” as anyone else.

I am much more excited about doing solitary spellwork again. And about upcoming Samhain.

Next week, I think I will write about Wicca, women, and power.  I have a few thoughts on that.

Oh and, incidentally, the only activity lately was perhaps an editorial comment: I turned on the monitor to watch CBS (the only station I can get with rabbit ears), and left the room to get coffee while “The Price is Right” was on.

Suddenly, it’s quiet.  I pop my head out the kitchen entryway, and the monitor is shut off.  The remote control, which was on the sofa, is now all the way across the room and sitting next to the monitor on the repurposed desk.

I don’t think my cats did that.  And one of them could be seen staring “at attention” at “nothing” at that end of the room.

Today’s weirdness comes from CNN, of all places, about the “Blood Moon” due to appear on September 27.   Apparently some Christians believe this means the end of the world is coming. This idea is based on a few sentences in the Bible – Joel 2:30-31 and Revelation 6:12.

You can look them up if you want, I can’t be bothered.  And they think pagans are silly!

Recommendations?    Hmm.  Aside from the new Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms and Pecan Pie M&Ms, I got nothing.  But…aren’t those enough?  Yummy!!!

Be good.  Be kind.   Think apple cider, hayrides, pumpkins, and Halloween.

Got Them Tarot Card Blues…

I’ve taken up tarot again.

Some of you who’ve known me since high school, probably recall I read tarot back then, too.  As a child, I was given a deck by a reader when I was in NYC to see my dad on a taping of “To Tell the Truth”. The other contestant was a tarot card reader, and he gave me a deck because he said I would someday be able to read them.

I have written the website in hopes they can tell me the date, or maybe even provide a link.

Aside #1: “To Tell the Truth” was a game show with a celebrity panel, where 3 people stood on stage and said, “My name is _______”, all giving the same name.  The panel had to guess which one was telling the truth.  So I got to watch in the studio audience as my dad said, “My name is Wesley Pomeroy”, and so did 2 other guys.  No one guessed he was the one telling the truth, and at the end Kitty Carlisle said it was because she didn’t think his moustache was real – so he pulled on it, and everyone laughed.  What a fond memory that was, I was so proud of my father.

So, anyway, I have been studying tarot pretty much ever since then, with a brief hiatus when I lost my faith in pretty much everything (the domestic violence situation).

I found a couple of decks as I was going through my things, as I am still doing in an attempt to rid myself of anything I don’t absolutely need.   Some things will be packed away for others to have.

At any rate, I picked up a tarot deck, laid out a spread and looked, trying to see where I need to go from here.

Lots of pentacles (that’s good, usually means money and/or knowledge), the Heirophant (High Priest, some say), and an admonition that I am “stuck” but not to move just for moving’s sake.

I didn’t think it was specific enough, so I picked up another deck and laid those out.

I got the same cards.  The exact same cards.

I have never had that happen before so all I can think of is that I need to really look at, and ponder upon, what messages are in that spread. Because I would think that, if you get the exact same reading from two different decks, there is definitely an important message being sent.

I was pondering all this when I was surfing the net, and looking at various other tarot decks (there are zillions of them, and I do like collecting them), when I ran across a site that said:

“Free tarot readings!”

Naturally, I looked.  It is a site that will have a “student of tarot” read for you, and then you give them feedback on the reading as sort of a way to help them become better readers.  Well, ok, I’ll give that a shot.

I’ve never found one person who could read my tarot accurately.  No one.  Ever.

A week later, I got an email with my reading.  It was a “story” about an animal in the woods, and the interpretation was that I was already on my chosen path, and I should take classes in tarot from this place (“financing available!”).

My question had been, “What direction do I take and how will I find the finances for it?”

Needless to say, I thanked the person for the reading but pointed out that it meant nothing to me, that it was just a sales pitch for classes there.  And, at my age and experience with the tarot, and my economic situation being what it is, that it was inappropriate to suggest that to me.

I also told him that nothing I ever include when I read for others was present in his reading for me – suggested path, possible obstacles, people who may cross my path, and so on.

Heck, the Heirophant didn’t even show up.  Or the equivalent of that card in the deck the reader used (Wildwood Forest deck).  (The link here is for the deck, and it is not at all connected to this reader I had or the “free tarot” site)

Sigh.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to find someone – anyone – who can read tarot for me.

Aside #2: The quick answer would be, “Because no one can read tarot.”  Except…I can read tarot.  I have been doing it for years.  But I am not the only person in the world who can read tarot cards.

You may wonder why I would want that, if I can read for myself.  Well, it’s because I might not interpret what I see correctly.  Or I might not want to believe what I see (that’s happened more times than I care to admit).  In this particular case, I’m just not sure what it means.

On the face of it, it seems to be telling me I am going to school again, or I need to go back to school again, which is all well and good…but I sort of was leaning that way already.  Go back to school to study…what, exactly?  For a career in…what?

I have just as many, or more, questions now than before I read my cards.

No way am I taking out student loans.  So that somewhat limits how I go to grad school.  I would have to work for a professor to pay for my education, which is fine with me.  I did that already, to get my master’s degree.

But clinical programs don’t usually have that kind of gig.  So that rules out “PhD in clinical psychology.”

Which then, in turn, rules out “get licensed and go into private practice.”

I would be lying if I said that didn’t interest me, if for no other reasons than I would be my own boss, and also that it’s usually pretty lucrative – I am really tired of being poor and, at my age, I need to get my financial shit together.  I feel it’s nearly too late already.

But even more basic questions swirl around my mind…

What am I good at?  What career would allow me to make a decent amount of money so my future won’t be so bleak and uncertain?

Because, at the moment, the future is looking pretty dismal and hopeless to me.

Something I routinely used to do for clients (therapy clients, not tarot clients) – suggest what they might be good at, based on how well I know them, and point them in the direction of the path they need to take to get there – is something I cannot seem to do for myself.

I don’t think I am at all unique.  So where do I find someone like me, to advise me?

Even Boy Wonder seems to be at a bit of a loss, as per our last conversation where he pointed out the difficulties of returning to work as a mental health therapist.  But offered no alternatives.  And he’s been seeing me for more than a year.

It’s hard to not feel blue and discouraged.  And so I am feeling…extremely blue, very discouraged, and cannot see the sun for all the clouds in my sky.

I don’t have any weirdness to post, but I do have a kitten video:

Because…cuteness!

Recommendations?  Well, this is also kitten-related:

Exploding Kittens Card Game – the website states it’s for people “who are into kittens and explosions and laser beams and sometimes goats.”  It’s not a gross game, and it looks like fun. It just went on sale yesterday, on Amazon.

Be good.  Be kind.  Hug a kitten, or a puppy, or some other cuddly being (um like your significant other, if you’re so lucky as to have one).

 

 

 

Who Ya Gonna Call? Um…

Crash!!

6 AM.  The cats are already off the bed and running towards the kitchen.  I stumble out of bed and follow them.  Chimes are heard from my mobile phone (text message).

All 3 of us stand at the kitchen doorway and look.  Nothing.

Nothing is on the floor, nothing has fallen out of a cupboard, everything is as I left it last night.

The cats want treats, I guess for being brave kitties and leading the way.

I look in the bathroom, just to make sure we aren’t misidentifying where the noise came from. Nothing amiss.

Storage room next to kitchen?  Nothing there, just flattened-out boxes (being smart, saving those for the next move), a computer desk, and a cot.  Nothing has fallen in there, either.

I go back to the bedroom and pick up the phone.  It’s a text message from Nancy:

“Everything ok up there?  I heard a crash!”

Ok, we can rule out the kitties and me hearing things, because Nancy heard it too.

“Dunno what it was.  Maybe the ghost,” I text back.

“Thanks for waking us up,” I say out loud, to no one in particular.  The cats have already gone back to sleep on the bed, having done their good deed for the day.

Later that day, I decided to go online and see if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can find out what this thing wants and why it keeps making noises.  I don’t even know what the explanation is for crashes and bangs that don’t seem to be connected to any physical thing, it just doesn’t seem possible but there you are – it’s happening in my apartment.

But, really, who online would be able to help?  On one hand, you have fake mediums and people who claim to be able to sort this kind of thing out but…I don’t like them, in general.  I find them to be not at all credible, usually because they are selling something or they just don’t seem to be telling the truth.

I have never met a medium, online or off, who wasn’t a complete fraud.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think mediums exist – I suspect they do.  I just don’t happen to think that the “real” ones are on TV or on paid internet sites.  Oh, maybe one or two started out that way, but then the pressure to “always see” gets to them and they start making shit up.

Activity isn’t ongoing, as most of you know from reading this blog.  And if I say, “Throw everything off the dresser,” nothing happens.  Things happen when they happen, and no amount of cajoling from me seems to have any effect.  So I find it completely unbelievable that “spirit” (as mediums love to say, ala Long Island Medium) would just manifest and talk when asked to.

On the other hand, you have people who don’t think there is any possibility of this being something unseen that is trying to communicate.  Their explanation would be that I am either lying (and so is Nancy), or this is a “folie a deux” – “madness shared by two”.   Or that there are completely normal explanations for this that I am not considering (mice? earthquakes? fracking? who knows?)  At any rate, I won’t get much help there.

Aside #1: I have a friend who already, thankfully, debunked the flushing toilet experience as a small part that needs replaced.  So, no, I am not ruling out normal explanations.

So I decided to post on a Reddit paranormal forum.  Since Reddit has now been purged of most of its ugly, nasty, hateful trolls, I thought well maybe someone else has this issue and can provide some feedback.

I posted on a few other sites, too.

I wrote a concise post about the activity, and mentioned that this happens in a lot of places I live.  But that I don’t think it’s something following me, and I definitely don’t think it’s classic poltergeist “I-am-angry-so-my-energy-is-going-to-knock-shit-off-shelves” activity (i.e., I do not believe I am the cause of the activity).  I ended the post by stating I wasn’t wanting rid of it, I just wanted to find out why it’s acting like this.

I got one nice response on Reddit, a long one by someone who has similar activity.  It quieted down when he started including “it” in his morning cup of coffee ritual.  I might try that, actually.  He just talks to it like it’s a visitor in his home, and while he doesn’t know what it wants, it seems to be quieter when he acknowledges it.

His idea is that whoever it is, is just lonely.  I can relate to that.

I liked that guy.  He was nice.  I thanked him and told him I would try the coffee routine.

The rest of the responses were from mediums.  Angry, hostile mediums.

Each and every one of them told me “it” wasn’t trying to communicate.  That it was a risidual haunt that occurred whether I was there or not (in every place I’ve lived since age 4?  Really?).

Aside #2: My dad threw out a Ouija board one night – I think I was 6 – convinced it was the source of some very weird lights in the house.  I don’t know about that but I still saw the indigenous ghosts and the ghost of an old woman, Ouija board or not.

Those were not the hostile posts.  None of them were hostile at first.  They all said the apartment “needed clearing” (uh yeah, for a fee, right?) or that I should ignore it.  It was when I replied to them that it got hostile, when I stated that I know how to get rid of “things” but that wasn’t what I was asking.

One wrote a diatribe about how a “6th century superstition” (she meant Wicca) was useless in dealing with spirits and that only small children or fools believe in magic.  Oh and that salt and sage are just things for cooking.

This, from someone who has a “team of investigators” who use sciency kinda stuff like EMF detectors, and not-so-sciency stuff like her own medium spirit-talking ways.

So, essentially we have a fraud and a pseudoscientist arguing with a witch that the witch’s belief system is “unscientific”.  The humor was not lost on me.  In fact, I think I “lol-ed” a few times.

The Stigma of Mental Illness Extends to Healthcare Providers, Too

I am going to write about something that very few therapists discuss – the common myth that therapists “have their shit together”.

And the reality that they don’t.

There’s a reason why you won’t find support groups titled “Therapists Anonymous”, “Bipolar/Depression Support Group for Therapists”, or “Help! My Significant Other is a Therapist!” and so on.

It’s simple, really, as oft-quoted by people who work in the mental health community, “We are supposed to always have our shit together.”

“Supposed to”.  Not, “actually have”. I can count on one hand the number of therapists I have met who are not suffering from some form of mental illness or substance abuse themselves.

It’s (maybe) surprisingly common.

The number one malady I have observed?  Substance abuse. Particularly of benzodiazepines (i.e., Valium, Xanax) and alcohol.

The number two problem? Mood disorders (major depressive, bipolar).

And a close third?  Personality disorders.

This last is truly alarming, because personality disorders are hard to spot and almost impossible to treat – for one thing, people so afflicted quite often do not think they have a problem.

Aside #1: There are 10 types of personality disorders, according to the DSM V (psychiatric diagnostic manual) – paranoid, schizotypal, schizoid, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive. 

Mind you, I want to make it clear that this is based on my observations.  So this is my subjective opinion, nothing more.

The substance abuse issue usually will trip a therapist up in the end, because he or she will often violate boundaries with patients (especially if he or she is a drug and alcohol therapist), act inappropriately (as in, being obviously impaired at work), or get into trouble with the law (DUI, for example).

Although it’s not good for addicted therapists to be treating anyone, for anything, it is at least somewhat self-correcting before too much damage can be done.

The mood disorder problem is the most tragic – for the therapist, anyway – because since a therapist is often unable or afraid to get help, he or she can needlessly suffer for years without anyone knowing.  It’s tragic because it doesn’t need to be that way, but it is that way because there’s no quicker way to get fired than to admit that you have a mental illness.

So no one admits it.

Hiding one’s mental illness is critical.

In other words, the people who are supposed to be so tolerant, so understanding of people afflicted with mental illness are they themselves some of the most judgmental hypocrites around.

The same people who will tell a patient, “Depression is the common cold of mental illness” (6.9% of the American population – and that’s just those adults who are diagnosed – according to the NIMH) in order to reassure the patient that he/she is not some freak of nature, are the same ones who will go to a colleague’s supervisor under the guise of “helping” and relate that so-and-so is on antidepressants that “don’t seem to be helping”.

Aside #2: I have seen it happen to others.  I have had supervisors ask for my clinical opinion of colleagues, and I have refused to give it.  I have heard colleagues complain about other “crazy” therapists, therapists who were good at their jobs and were just too open about having a mental illness – thereby “tarnishing” that “got your shit together” reputation.

It’s tantamount to a doctor getting fired because he/she caught the flu, broke a leg, or suffered from a chronic condition like migraines.  Doesn’t make sense when you look at it that way, does it?

But this is also a good segue into the third mental health problem amongst therapists that I have observed – personality disorders.  And those people are truly dangerous, to patients and staff alike.

Manipulative, self-centered, and fond of drama, a therapist with a personality problem delights in treating very sick patients because he or she – and there’s no polite way of saying this – enjoys seeing people suffer.  And, in fact, I have seen and heard therapists like this make fun of patients in treatment team meetings, display a horrifying lack of empathy, and basically treat the patient as a form of entertainment rather than someone with whom to conduct therapy.

A therapist like this will also cause disruption between staff members, just to sit back and enjoy watching the chaos.  This behavior is evident to staff when patients do it – in fact, the term is called “staff splitting” – but seldom recognized in another staff member until it’s too late (when someone usually gets fired, and it’s not the “sick” therapist).

Aside #3:  I have also seen this behavior in nurses and hospital administrators.  I don’t know if healthcare facilities/professions attract this kind of person, or if I have just had more experience recognizing it.  But I have seen situations where a nurse will go after another, “more popular” (with patients and staff) nurse and get her fired before she knew what hit her.

Randomly Rambling: Music & Social Movements

R.I.P Cilla Black.  She passed on August 1, at age 72.

I first heard her sing in 1964, on the radio (AM, of course), a song called “You’re My World.”  I loved it, and I made my mom buy the 45.

I was 8.  I still can sing the whole song by memory.  I don’t know what it was with her, I think maybe I just loved the very few independent “modern” singers at that time (which also included Dusty Springfield).

This was way, WAY before women played instruments in rock bands – they were all almost universally lead singers.  Or solo acts, like Cilla and Dusty.  It was still very much a man’s world back then, on the very edge of the sexual revolution and feminism.

There were very few role models for little girls.  When we were expected to grow up, marry, have kids. When we were not expected to be good at math or science.  We didn’t talk back, we still had dress codes in school, and we screamed at Beatles’ concerts.

It’s hard to imagine a world like that now.  Even that song I loved, “You’re My World”, ended with the lines

……

Darn it!  I was going to quote the last 2 lines, but my fear of being made to pony-up any amount of money for the priviledge to do so, stopped me.  Here’s a link to a video of Ms. Black singing it, live.

Suffice to say, the last two lines basically stated that if the relationship ended, so did the singer’s world.

Aside #1: Ms. Black did not write the song.  It was originally written – in Italian – by two guys named Gino Paoli and Umberto Bindi (“Il Mio Mondo”, 1963), then Carl Sigman wrote a loose translation in English for producer George Martin.  That’s the song Ms. Black made famous – it was recorded at Abbey Road Studios (“You’re My World”, Wikipedia).

Men defined women back then.  That is the world I grew up in.   Men were supposed to take care of women, protect us, defend us, charge in on a white horse, come by the house with the glass slipper, and so on.

My observation of adults did not reflect that, but I bought into it anyway.  I knew my family was different, I just assumed everyone else’s was of the “knight/princess” variety.

TV reflected that idea, too.  Moms wore dresses and stayed home, dads wore hats/suits and went to work.  My family looked like that from the outside, when I was a little girl.

Here are pictures of how adults dressed back then.

But on TV, Mom and Dad didn’t get drunk and have screaming arguments in the street in front of their house, ending with a dramatic storming out at 3 AM, swearing never to return (over and over again – for years I never got a decent night’s sleep).

Today, that would have been all over the internet and possibly the news.

Back then, people just acted as if nothing had happened.  It was kind of like the popular TV show, “The Twilight Zone”.

But I digress.

My point is, back in the 1960s, women and girls still often took back seats to men.

If you want a really good indication of what that world was like, listen to or read the lyrics to 1963’s hit “Wives and Lovers” (Burt Bacharach, what in hell were you thinking?).  Yes, people really did think like that.  It’s a song that has stuck in my head because I really, really hated it – even as a little girl, it gave me a creepy feeling.

Writing about women’s husbands leaving them because they didn’t take the curlers out of their hair!  Or because they didn’t put on makeup and a dress before their husbands came home from work!

Even later in the 1960s, during social upheaval, It was common back then for women to make the signs for demonstrations, and make the coffee for the meetings, but not be in on the planning.  Even in many leftist circles, we were still 2nd-class citizens.  There were exceptions but we won’t address that today.

It was so ingrained in society, that even when I left home in 1973 to go out into the big, bad world, my mom’s parting shot to me was

“You better find a man to marry you, because God knows you are too stupid to take care of yourself.”

Aside #2: This relationship with my mother was probably one huge reason I have never liked people who drink.  I think she might have been a decent person had she not been an alcoholic – but I never knew her when she wasn’t.

My point is, even the “progressives” at that time – which included my parents – were not really all that progressive.

And later, when Ms Magazine became popular, and a former Playboy bunny became the public mainstream voice of feminism, it was still very exclusionary – but on a different level.

I remember complaining to my history teacher – who wore a woman’s symbol necklace and who encouraged me to join the National Organization for Women (N.O.W.) – that even the fees for high-school students were more than most people could afford, and that I didn’t see anybody but middle- and upper-class white women joining.

I didn’t join.  I wouldn’t even read the magazine.  I have never been a fan of exclusionary so-called progressive movements.

This is not, in any way, to bash feminists.  I consider myself a feminist, too.  This is bashing classism within the feminist movement.   The leadership sees gender as the primary contradiction in society.

I see class as the primary contradiction in society.  I did at 16, and I still do today.

Men are not the enemy.  “Men’s Rights Advocates” probably are, but not men in general.

Anti-women sentiment/misogeny/gender inequality/violence against women are huge problems, yes they are.   Those problems would be ones I would address first, myself, if someone would just give me a damn ride so I could volunteer grrrr.

And so are racism, bigotry against people who love differently, and discrimination against people who have disabilities.  To name just a few of the major categories.

But at the end of the day, if you answer this one, tiny question, it all comes under this one umbrella:  Who profits from oppressing these folks?

Aside #3: It’s not a very large percentage of the population.  The young peoples’ movements on Wall St and in Seattle (and elsewhere) got that right, it’s about 1% or so.  Some of us must have taught our kids well.  

It’s interesting – but predictable – how quickly the Occupy Movement quieted down.  As with most class-based movements, this is always the case.  Co-opting people (i.e., paying people off) is probably the single most successful way to destroy a social movement  – just look at people who were supposed activists in the 1960s who are quite wealthy today and/or connected to the Democratic Party.

If that doesn’t work, though (you know, when someone with principles can’t be bought off), there’s always driving them nuts (the CIA used LSD for this, amongst other things), making sure they’re poor, jailing them, or killing them (MOVE in Philadelphia).

It’s always necessary to silence class analysis, always.

That doesn’t mean people stop trying.  Someone always sees.  Someone always speaks out. Though usually it’s not someone from the class actually being oppressed.  Ironically, there is still a class bias within social movements, even as they present a fairly accurate class position on things.

“Don’t lead, just support” seems to be lost on them.  Intellectualism has greatly reduced the effectiveness of every social movement in this country, post-labor movement heyday (Google it, young ‘uns).

Every time a progressive uses the word “sheeple”, I want to strangle them.  This is the attitude I am writing about.  I expect it from the right-wing, but it infuriates me from the left.

They don’t know what it’s like to be poor, which in itself isn’t worthy of condemnation – it’s the lack of empathy, the smugness that they know it all and don’t have to really try to understand what it’s like to be poor, the “we know what’s best for the masses” bs – that’s what depresses and enrages me.

Which brings me full-circle to one of the reasons I write this blog.

It started out as mourning the death of a brilliant singer, and then ended up, as everything inevitably does…with class contradiction.

Y’all see why I am a hopeless case?  I can’t be any other way and most of the time I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about it.   I desperately hate being poor, but I hate it that anyone else is poor, too, and I guess this is my purpose in life – to let y’all know what it’s really like.

Until I win the lottery.  Or get a good-paying job.  Either one, at this point, seems highly unlikely. But money, aside from making one’s life bearable, is also necessary to fund social movements, and I would love to be in a position to do so.

“There’s class warfare, all right, but it’s my class, the rich class, that’s making war, and we’re winning.”  – Warren Buffett

Like I said, laugh or cry…

Today’s weirdness comes from the site “Malcom’s Musings”, via “The Anomalist” website, and it’s an article about a gnome abduction.

No, not the stealing of garden gnomes by pranksters – though I find those stories highly amusing – but the attempted abduction of a human being by a gnome or something similar.  It’s quite a long post, and some will chalk up the person’s experience to a possible bad reaction to a prescription drug, a sleep disorder, or a combination of the two.

Except her kids apparently had similar “sightings” as children, and never told her about the until she started relating her experience, years later.   So, that struck me as, while not exactly lending credibility to this woman’s story, certainly head-scratching material.  I don’t know what to make of it.

However, I prefer my “whatever it is” that throws things, to invading gnomes.  I find gnomes much scarier.

By the way, the ghost/spirit/whothehellknows is active again, usually making very loud crashing noises in the kitchen. When kitties and I go to check it out – because the activity doesn’t scare my cats at all, oddly enough – nothing is amiss.

It also swept some items off a table, as I was standing right in front of it.  That was weird, watching things move when you are not touching them.

There is also very faint cello music, on occasion. When I asked out loud if it played cello when it was alive, the music abruptly stopped.  I still have no idea what he/she/it wants.  Nancy thinks I should get a tape recorder and see if I can get any EVPs.

I agree.  I can’t afford one, but I agree.

Today’s recommendation is for a website by “The Association of Independent Information Professionals”.  They help people start their own businesses as, basically, information gatherers.  Because for every person who hates researching when they have a particular need for information, there is at least one other person who loves to look things up.

I think that kind of job would be right up my alley.  I did tons of it in grad school, and do tons of it for my blog or just out of curiosity.  I think, though, that like everything else, it requires money.  But maybe one of y’all might find the site helpful.

The other recommendation I had, I stumbled across while searching for a legitimate article about the CIA’s project MKULTRA (to back up my assertion about people being driven crazy by being unknowingly dosed with LSD).  It’s a film from 1955, financed by Sandoz, which shows a (willing) test subject tripping.

It doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the CIA – though the person who posted the video states this particular experiment was funded by the CIA.  I can’t find evidence of that but who knows?

It’s called “Schizophrenic Model Psychosis Induced by LSD 25”.

Be good.  Be kind.  And if you see something move in your garden, out of the corner of your eye…

 

The Great Disconnect: Advertising, Psychology, and Real Life

UPDATE: All the fruit flies are gone.  It took about 4 days.  I highly recommend the Terro Fruit Fly Traps.

Ok, on to today’s post…

I recall my dad telling me that he had teared up in reaction to AT&T’s “Reach out and touch someone” ad campaign – this was in the early 1980s, I think.  The ads showed people reconnecting with loved ones via the telephone, and they were fairly emotional spots.

I didn’t have the same reaction to the ads, mostly because I was a busy mother of young children at the time.  I was reaching out and touching folks on a regular basis, running after kids and what-not.

I thought of my dad’s reaction yesterday, when I saw an ad for Walmart.

This ad, which has a tagline I cannot recall (I don’t know if that says more about me or Walmart), features mini-vingnettes of Walmart workers in their everyday lives, then switches to them succeeding and smiling and practically dancing to work – because Walmart really cares about them.

It states things like, “Yesterday, he was a cashier” as it shows an employee giving his “team” a pep talk as their new manager of some kind.  Or shows a family eating at the dinner table and states, “Yesterday, they couldn’t afford healthy food.”  And so on.

The point is, I guess, that Walmart loves its employees and wants to help them make their lives better.  Then it hints at some big change coming this October (2015).  All the while, upbeat music plays in the background.

I thought, “This is clever.  This really attempts to pull the ol’ heart strings.”

And then I got sad and mad and teary-eyed, but not because of the ad’s message or execution, not directly anyway…

…it was because of the disconnect.

The disconnect between real life, and what we imagine our ideal life to be.  And the power that businesses and people with money and politicians and other people with power/influence have to make that ideal life a reality…

…or not.

I am an idealist.  I am, at heart, an optimist.  And, despite massive evidence and experiences to the contrary, I still stubbornly believe that if you want your life to be a certain way, with persistence you can make it so.  Or similar to what you want, maybe.

It’s nonsense, of course.  My own life attests to that.  I think – seriously – that a lot of this point of view came from watching “people overcome adversity” films as a child.  No, I really do think that.

Movies like “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”, “Mrs. Minniver”, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and on and on.  Movies where you just knew, no matter what happened, the hero/heroine was going to be ok.

Heck, even one of my all-time favorite movies, “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir” – how I loved Gene Tierney!! – wasn’t supposed to really be an inspirational film, but it ended up being one, because she got to be with the one she loved, in the end.

As a child who often was left to my own devices at home, I watched an awful lot of TV.  As a child whose life was chaotic and full of shouting and hitting and unsafe adults – my next-door neighbor and godfather sexually abused me for years – movies that portrayed adults doing the right thing, battling evil, and overcoming obstacles were my escape into a world I desperately hoped was out there.

Those, and monster/alien B movies heh.  That’s a whole other post on anxiety and monster movies.

So I am firmly convinced that media played a huge role in this ridiculous “tilting at windmills” thing I do.  And that speaks to the power that media have to shape our lives and attitudes.

Advertisers know this, of course – hence the “feel-good” campaigns in general, and that Walmart one in particular.

Effective, too…I am now wondering what this “thing” is that Walmart has planned for October. Not that I expect anything good out of them, because in general I think businesses do what they do based on profit, nothing more nothing less.  But the ad stuck that deadline in my mind, so it was effective in that sense.

The emotional reaction was me thinking about the following:

~ How much this campaign cost…

~ How much research was put into it…

~ How Walmart actually knows what consumers want from them, in terms of how they treat their workers…

~ How Walmart actually has the money and power to make this an actual reality for their workers, but won’t.

How do I know they won’t?  Aside from my cynical, left-of-Fidel-Castro self, it’s because – putting on my psychologist’s hat – the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Walmart has never done anything good for their workers unless they were pressured into it by someone – whether it’s more hours or a living wage, they just never budged until some unions started making a stink about stuff.

Aside #1: Gah! I really wish there was a union of therapists, that is so badly needed for therapists and their patients.  Why don’t I…oh yeah, I don’t work as one anymore, am too much of a troublemaker, and therapists as a whole are an “everyone for himself” kind of profession.  As I painfully discovered. Several times.

So, Walmart knows.

They know the American people, even as they shop there in droves, are not thrilled about the bad press Walmart gets every time it does something cruel or boneheaded – like when they held food drives for their employees, because their employees had to get food stamps while working there (because they weren’t being paid enough to afford to eat).

Walmart does not want to be seen as “the bad guy”.  I can’t actually see it making a huge dent in their sales, but I guess it must.  I’m sure it’s that, and not Sam Walton crying at night because the bad press hurt his feelings.   Because…well, many obvious reasons why he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the press except in terms of the bottom line of profits.

Adventures in Cycling, Part 1?

I rode Coco today, for the first time.  I didn’t fall.

That’s the good news.

There’s bad news, though.  I don’t think I can do it.  I don’t think I am able to physically ride a bike, and I am not sure why.  The whole experience felt wonky – like I was going to fall any second.   The bike seems like it weighs a ton.

Yes, cruisers are heavy bikes.  That was my first mistake.  I should have, when I had the money, gone to a bike shop and had them trick me out.  But I didn’t.

I went to Target.  Big, big mistake.  Oddly, I did actually pick out a lighter adult bike, what I would have called a 10-speed back in the day, got on it and actually rode it a foot or so without falling. Ok so I almost crashed into the bike display, but I didn’t fall!  But that’s not the bike I chose.

No, I went online and picked a “pretty” one.  A cruiser, as it was advertised as a leisure-type bike, for older ladies and so on.  “That’s me!” I thought.

I had visions of myself riding leisurely down to the store, basket on the front, smiling happily on a sunny day.  Of course, in my version I also have a sun dress on and a floppy hat, ala 1940s movies, but that’s not gonna happen.

Back to today.  I got on Coco, not an easy feat as the whole bike in general seems massive to me, and swinging my leg over was a bit tricky, but I did it.  Pedaled down the sidewalk, then the street, and noticed that my knees were way too high, coming nearly up to my chest.  That didn’t seem right.

The sidewalk was treacherous, with cracks and so on.  The street is smooth but it is a bit slanted towards the sidewalk.  And there are cars, though not many today as it is Sunday.

Felt a sharp twinge in my middle back – oh no!  Kept pedaling down to the park, the park that doesn’t have bike paths, and turned around in the parkinglot and rode home.  By this time, my middle back had a stabbing pain in it.

I don’t get middle back pain, ever.  So, great – new thing.  Lower back, however, feels fine – that’s the good news, as that’s where the disk issues are (or at least, where I thought they were).

Nancy came out of her apartment and adjusted my handlebars, and watched me sit on the bike.  I raised the seat up so that my toes just barely touch the ground.

She said I didn’t look stupid.  “Just another old lady on a bike.”  Heh.

And still, my knees feel as if they are way too high.  I don’t know what else we can adjust.  The highest position still has my knee at a higher-than-90-degree-angle to my body.  It doesn’t feel right.

Meanwhile, the training wheels got loose and we had to tighten them up again.  The good news there is that, at some point, I wasn’t even using the training wheels unless I tilted to one side. That’s probably why the bike felt wonky.

The bad news is, I will have to keep adjusting them – I don’t think they were designed to lift off the ground like that.

As usual, this thought ends with, “I feel like crying”.

I don’t think I’m riding this bike correctly, and I don’t know what to do about it.  The pain, I can live with.  And I wasn’t winded but I felt really weak.  Weak in the arms, weak in the legs…heck, the bike is heavy but not that heavy.

The old days of whipping onto my bike and speeding down the street are long, long gone.  I can accept that.  But I saw a woman the other day who was at least 10 years older than I am, riding what looked like a BMX-type bike, without any extra wheels, and doing just fine with it.

Why can’t I do that?

I read a news article about some guy who is riding across the US on a regular bike, again with no extra wheels, and he weighs 400 pounds.  

Why can’t I do that?  I don’t weigh anywhere near that – I only need to lose about 50 pounds.

So it’s not age, and it’s not weight.

I don’t know what to do.  I am considering donating the bike to a church or something.

My mobility options are decreasing, and it’s scary.

Those people you see in Walmart, who use the electric carts and are massively overweight? Don’t judge them, they may have started out the way I did.

Ill, overweight, and unable to exercise, this is perhaps how they got where they were.

I do not want to end up that way.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  It’s like my body will not do anything I tell it to do.  It’s beyond fatigue, it’s a weakness, an inability.   And I am no quitter.

In fact, this has become so scary that I will now do just about anything to correct it, if I only knew what was wrong.

I might try again tomorrow.  At this point, I really don’t know.